The End Is Fear

So here I am. Two weeks removed from one of the worst nights of my recent history. So many things going through my head. So... I shall lay them all out here. For you all to see.

That night... A terrible storm was raging through Columbus. And a different kind of lightning bolt hit me from a different kind of storm.

Events leading up to that had my girl in a state of depression. Little did she know or apparently care, I had been too. For longer before that. But I worried about her more... Made my depression worse. Wouldn't even talk to me. So... I decided to try and get her to talk. She didn't have to talk about what was causing the depression... All I wanted was to not be forgotten. I didn't step too hard. I didn't step too far. I did EXACTLY what I thought I should do... And that was try and show support. That was two weeks ago yesterday... And that night... The terrible flood inducing storms came... And that lightning bolt... Hit... And the relationship was over.

A year... A year I was very proud of. Gone. We never had a fight. We never had a disagreement. Not once. Now... It's over. Why? I still don't know. I haven't heard anything else from her. Nothing. And what is it I'm left with? A year full of happy memories... With no happy ending. Without a reason that the story has come to a close.

I'm left with sadness and fear.

Parts of me wonder why I'm not good enough to have that happy ending. All I wanted was a story I can be proud of. But not knowing why it ended... There is NO reason it should be gone... But not knowing why it ended...... Makes me believe it was all my fault...

But it wasn't all my fault. It wasn't at all. I stand by doing what I thought was RIGHT. I always had respect for her. Loved her. Cared about her.

In the end... Nothing but fear.

If I loved, respected, and cared for her... And this is the end product. Did she ever feel the same about me? Am I just not that good enough for someone to give me those kind of feelings back? I did everything I could...... And now... The story is over.

But was the last year plus a waste? No... I have memories that I can cherish forever... Memories that are clouded by the last few pages of the book being ripped from its spine... Like my heart from my chest.

This love I had... It was so hard for me to find. I'm not a looker. I'm not rich. I'm not successful. BUT I keep trying. Through it all, I haven't given up. Plus I have a heart...currently blacken gold...and a really good sense of humor. And guess what...all those stories about that being enough...is bullshit. I am the nice guy. I am, have been, and always will be. And this all proves a huge point...

Nice guys don't finish last. They don't finish the race at all.

In NASCAR terms... A DNF. Did Not Finish.

A part of me hopes that she will come back...I can make the repairs in my garage...and luckily win this race. But... Regardless the damage is done.

I DO NOT regret any of the last year plus... And maybe it has restored my confidence some(enough to get me a new job)... But that damage is done.

When did compassion, caring, and a heart become a bad thing?

My biggest fear is not knowing what I did wrong... And whether or not I'm ever going to be worthy of anyone else again. And... I want to be.

Those are some of the things swimming in my mind lately. A broken mind... Trying to put the pieces back together again. Super glue doesn't work. It doesn't.

Now... Here is where I am at.

I know I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. So... I am gonna pick myself up... Stand up straight. And be proud of trying. If she wants to throw it all away for nothing, that is her choice.

Since I did nothing wrong, I am NOT going to pursue her. At all. This... Is all her fault. And if she can't see that... I feel sorry for her. I have been and always will be a very caring loving person to those that deserve it. And I believe she still deserves it. The question is... Would I take her back? The answer... Depends on how long it takes for her to realize she made the mistake. She wants it... She will have to come to ME.

That being said... I am ready to just move on.

And THAT is what I'm most afraid of.

It was so hard for me to find what I had. The doubts are back in my mind because if caring wasn't good enough this time, what will happen next time?

Guys like me get overlooked.

I don't want to be overlooked anymore. Right now... Even if just for a moment... I want to feel important again. That I'M good enough.

Would be nice.

Looks like this story has come to a tragic end.

And the end is fear.

~The Master is Out

Ho ancora manchi...

I still miss you.