Well here is the next part in the series...... if you haven't read Part 1... do so now
Follow me...
The biggest problem with actually physically leaving "R" was that she made me feel like shit... she made me feel like maybe that was the best I was going to get...... maybe even the best I was going to deserve...... but I had gotten enough hope to actually try... and here I am 5 1/2 years later, and I think I was proven right...... maybe she was the only punishment I deserve......
I'm going to give you the experiences I've had, from my side only, since I've been away from "R"
I've had quite a few rejections... and they were nice and virulent... heartbreaking even... but the first real success I had was with a girl that I'm going to call "JH"...
JH was nice... but she was also a BIG tease... a tease to the point of crotch rugburn...... and when it actually came time for "action", she would have an excuse not to... even when there wasn't a legitimate excuse to have...... bogus reasons... only to tease, load the gun, and never fire the gun......... it got to the point that I was actually having flashbacks of "R"... salacious ways of making me feel like she was into me, but then quickly turned into not good enough...... after 3 months, it wasn't worth the pain......
It took my a few months after to rebury the memories, and I met some at work(at Wal-Mart)... and her name was Summer(yes, her real name), and we flirted with each other for quite awhile before we actually talked about maybe giving it a try...... and I was excited to have the chance with her because she was one of the most beautiful girls I've ever been around... and she liked me... FOR ME......... well, I'm not a Shadowheart for nothing, and ANYTHING good for me has some kind of string attached... well, in Summer's case, it was a substance abuse problem... alcohol and weed......... now, I'll be open, I like my alcohol, but only in moderation... as for weed, I have no problem with it personally... I can't smoke it cause I don't even have the lung strength to handle cigarette smoke(but you CAN eat it...... anyway)...... but again, only in moderation...... Summer and I talked about it...... I told her I cared about her, and I wanted to help... with my help, I could help her change it from an issue to an occasion... and she told me she knew it... and it actually seemed to work.......... seemed.................... long story short, she is a meth addict now, and I think she has a warrant out for her arrest... I haven't seen her in 2 years, even as just a friend.......... I don't want to be near that shit...... but I do miss her...... she was a good person that just got swallowed up by the wrong shadows......... I know she won't see this, but even so... I hope were ever she is, she's safe and happy............. a superhero never forgets a damsel in distress......
The next experience I had was actually with my long time best friend "J"... that first moment was one of the greatest I've ever felt... I actually HAD someone for a New Year's Eve(hell, I even called in for the chance)...... well, I dunno what it was exactly, it just didn't last... and I'm not entirely sure it actually happened, looking back...... but it dissolved and I went dormant because my dream girl slipped through my fingers......
Well, it didn't take long and I got my next experience... it was a random meeting with an old friend of R's(and mine too I guess)... we will call her "ABC"(or something like that)...... it started with a text just to get together to reconnect......... so I went to her apartment...... and what happened? nothing... we just talked...... that next night, she came to visit me at work...... the next day, I got a text to visit around noon...... and(how do I want to put it?) I got my first piece of ass since being with "R"... and I have to say, it was actually much better than I expected(I dunno why, but I didn't expect much)... it was hot, it was heavy, and it was the greatest feeling I had to privilege of having, mainly because it was something that I NEEDED, something to take my mind off of life......(and secretly because ABC was a real close, almost bestie of R... it felt like revenge)... we never really started dating officially... and it ended up getting put on hold completely......... why?..... "J", one of my dream girls, my long time bestie......
So, there I was, "J" told me she loved me and she wanted to give it another try...... so I kept around "ABC", just as a friend, because to be honest with ya... I needed more friends......... but I was going to do right with "J"... I had my chance that I wanted that got me out of the situation with R...... and I was excited...... looking back... now... I noticed there really wasn't a really relationship...... no affection...... I dunno what J was really afraid of, but again, looking back, I gave up a chance at a relationship filled with affection(among other things) for a chance with J, because I wanted her...... well.................. how it ended? she left and moved to Fargo with someone that she had been talking to... without tell me in was over...... as far as I knew, we still were together(even though, now I'm not sure why).......... and considering... that situation messed me up inside............ I've personally forgiven her......... and I'll be honest, I still love her......... but it didn't change what it did to me..........
I've been manic-depressive for years... but this one break in my windshield wasn't breaking fast enough......
Well, again, I kept hanging out with ABC, it didn't take long......... until.... play resumed so to speak......... but it no longer felt right.......... don't get me wrong, the sex was pretty good...... but it isn't always right...... and she wanted more from me than I was ready for... the memories were triggered... and took me over...... and I disconnected myself from ABC because I was no longer me..........
And that led to me doing something almost unspeakable...... I slept with a married woman......... a good friend of mine...... her husband was a good friend of mine.......... why did I do it? honestly... it was a mutual agreement for my friend... I could see she need the same validation or reassurance I needed to leave R...... while mine led to me getting the strength to leave R, this married woman used this "event" with me to show her husband that he was treating her pretty bad enough to consider leaving him(so yes, he knows)...... they have worked to make their relationship stronger, and they both have become even closer friends of mine.......... could there have been a different way? everything has a different way...... did I or do I feel bad about it? yeah... then & now...... would I do it again? yes, regardless of how it could've ended, I would've helped both friends........... would I do it for any other couple friends of mine?...... free sex? woohoo...... actually, seriously, it depends on the circumstances...... if you want to judge me on this, screw you too......... it's not your place...... no matter the journey, I helped two good friends...... it was worth it......
And I did say I wasn't myself......
The final moments with "J" really messed me up, and it took a long time to finally get it out of my system......... and it never will be......
My mind gets to wandering... the feeling of hopelessness takes over... the memories and the images come back......... and it pulls me down.........
I've tried everything I can think of...... but hopeless rejection after hopeless rejection after "only just friends" conversation...... after thinking that a girl from out of state would actually want me....................
I've come close to giving up...... but no one should ever give up...... I'd just like to find a girl who would actually accept me.... hell... I'd be happy with a one night stand..........
Does that sound pathetic? maybe...... I want to be a nice guy to finally finish a race...... hell, I wanna win...... but a girl/woman/lady would actually let me be in the race...... maybe even let me take a test drive......
There is someone I've sent a lifeline to... but I won't know for a little while...... and there is another friend from elementary school that I seemed to be destined to keep meeting up with around town... and I can't seem to get "are you with anyone?" or "can I have you number?" out... and my luck, she's not on facebook or anything like that......... if I could find a way to "find" her, I would ask her out............ but aside from that, I'm invisible to most... except for married women(open/semi-open)(and a big LOL), and certain past horrors......... I still love "J", but even she doesn't act like I'm good enough...... that I'm actually here............... I'd like a change in my life........ a change in my love life......... a chance to shine.......... and a chance to share that with someone...... anyone..................... when it comes to life, there is NO chance too risky to take(did you read that twice Ms. "J"?)......
It's time to make a change......... and here I am......
There is a chance for one more Part to this series...... a certain tough decision....... but I'm still not sure......... but how about a different topic soon?...... I will supply that in the next few days, I promise.....
Until then, stay tuned True Believers!!!!!!!!!!!......................
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not Stan Lee
Thank you for your time, and I appreciate each and every one of you, my Souls of the Fallen......
~The Master is Out
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