Well, I need to speak up about something that has been bothering me for awhile, not regularly, but often enough that it's been a detriment to my life...... a period in my life that can't be erased, but damn it, I want to forget it...
Follow me after the jump...
This is about a certain experience I had... an infamous ex of mine, let's call her "R"(lol)... I'm going to give you a small account of certain events... but only particular ones...... anything I mention in this should only be discussed directly with me, if you don't like that rule, then fuck you too......
Let's start at the beginning... when we first got together...
It was senior year of high school, and I had been bounced around to more than one school that year, which made it extra difficult, not to mention I ended up at the school across town from the one I started at(which if you understand rivalries, you know what I mean)... I was trying to fit in, figure my place... which wasn't going to be easy because at my original school "East", I didn't have a place...... and that's when I got reacquainted with a certain long time best friend(let's call her "J")...... I had liked her for a long time... I liked her then... I love her still to this day(but that's for part 2)...... but I didn't know what I was going to do to get her to go out with me, or better yet, how I was going to get her to go to Prom with me... so I did what I thought I could, and it ultimate led to a note saying she was thinking about it, while considering getting back with an ex named David(J says she doesn't remember, which is fine, but it's burned into my mind)...... as a softhearted guy, it broke me inside...... and even though I didn't know it then, that's when "R" took advantage......
Now, at the beginning, "R" was amazing, she was good to me, and I enjoyed her company...... looking back, maybe too much...... and it led to some extremely stupid decisions... decisions that ultimately led to me alienating my own family for her... led to me taking a mental beating from her parents... led to me taking a social and mental beating from "R" herself......
Through these stupid decisions, we ended up living out of a car, most of the time at an interstate rest stop... eventually living in at her biological father's house, which was one of the better experiences I went through, we started to get our lives together, had jobs, and because of those same horrible adoptive parents, they convinced her to go back with them, I personally should've stayed, but I'm loyal(and it wasn't my family, though they treated me like family) and I went to...
We also stayed at a "friend's" house for awhile... we stayed with this "friend"(let's call him "T") & his girlfriend at the time(let's call her "Nee") in a log house in the middle of nowhere, all the while I was supposed to be invisible, because I was the "bad guy" in the eyes of R's parents(then again, everyone who was enslaved by them were the "bad guys" to them)...... I had one interesting experience and one horrifying experience to go along with it...... the interesting experience, my 19th birthday present was to sleep with with Nee, at first I didn't really want to, but I agreed for three reasons: it was T's idea, Nee had the biggest natural boobs I had ever seen up close(I wanted to experience them), and I figured it was going to be the ONLY thing I got for my birthday(I was right... assholes)...... then horrifying experience: I walked in on R and T only a handful of weeks later... since I had with Nee, it would've been okay if it was planned, agreed upon... not behind my back when R and I were together...... some revenge when I threw the phone at T and left a bruise on his arm from about 15ft......... but see that has left an image burned in my mind that I can't seem to shake, even now when I despise R......(but I stayed loyal... why?... I don't really know)
(I don't remember which of these came before the other, I've been trying to bury all of these memories)
When we eventually finally got out own place, it wasn't too bad, except we ended up getting screw up and over way too many times because of R... she is a spoiled little bitch, that's the way her adoptive parents raised her... and because of it, she wanted to live over our means... combine that with her unending laziness...... we kept getting behind on bills at each place we had because she couldn't deal with making due with what we could do, what we could afford...... wanting to eat out all the time(not to mention not wanting to actually cook a meal... or dishes... or...), wanting to start a hobby and changing on the fly, wasting more money...... and eventually making the decision for her to go back to school(aka college)... now, while I don't mind someone wanting to go to school to better themselves, I also believe in doing while the means don't interfere with your daily life... and at the time, we had our daughter to think about......... R only thought about herself, and by what I understand, it's something that will NEVER change...... and the whole time playing me like a puppet with it's strings tangled... breaking me down... making me feel like nothing......... a feeling that I had always felt, but when it comes from someone else, someone you are supposed to trust...... and at one point it led me to unsuccessfully attempt suicide(before our daughter was born, for the record)
Throughout all of this, she treated me like dirt... like shit......... and it took me quite awhile to see that I was the ONLY one she treated that way... her friend, my friends... she was nice to............. me... I wasn't important enough, though I was the most consistently loyal person to her...
What about the end? The end came because of two different polar events... the good event... at the time, R was going to school at IvyT and working part time taking care of mentally handicapped people...... one night, R asked me if I could bring her some of the soup I made to her at the client's place... of course, I didn't have a problem with that... when I got to the complex, I noticed the buttons to buzz in, with tenant names next to each one... and one of them just happened to be "J" from early in this post...... that gave me hope...... hope I needed......... the bad event... I found a note, in the trash, albeit on top, torn pretty good, but I can make things out, and I recognize writing... a written convo between R and a friend she acquired from IvyT... with certain excerpt from R that she had slept with the neighbor from the apartment next to us... of course I was pissed, especially because of the previous experience, but I only brought it up... showed the note...... and she tried to weasel her way out of it........ I knew she was lying... so I made a decision to get out......
One day while R was at school, I got my friend Richard and his car, and I loaded up as much I could that was mine alone, only the essentials and MY TV, one car load, and I went to Richard's house, he and his wife converted the former computer room in the basement into a room for me...... and I made arrangements for my parents to get my daughter(see what I did there?)... and the sweetest part for me was in the basement that very night... R and said friend came to Richard's house looking for me, and I got to hear her sob story...... while Richard was telling her that he hadn't seen me at all... it was a thing of beauty...... seriously... a thing of beauty... only thing that would've made it better would've been if right before she left, I came up the stairs, opened the basement door, and told her hello, then kick her ass out...... but I didn't...
While there might have been plenty of other things I could've mentioned, I seriously can't remember, I'd rather not try to remember... it's best if I don't remember...
Does it feel good to get it out? about 40%... the other 60% is for not wanting to, or never wanting to remember any of it...... going into detail would probably wreck my mind even more... I'm sorry...
Needless to say, since then, in the 5+ I've been away from R, my love life has been SHIT... I've had chances, but my fears get the best of me, or I find the girls that just don't have their heads screwed on tight, or I don't get a fair chance, or I find the girls that "only want to be friends" citing having issue(then turn around and date someone else leaving me in the dust), or that one person who shouldn't be out of your reach but is...... I have some on that too, but that's in the next part...
Thank you for reading...
Part 2 is coming soon... I promise...
To Be Continued..............
No comments:
Post a Comment