Well, here we are... 2010 is coming to a close, and 2011 is upon us...
Which in tradition, there should be a Resolution, right?
Mine is after the jump... and some reflection...
2010 has been one of the worst in quite some time... I started to lose touch with myself and what really matters to me personally... and in effect, and then I lost my job, which of course made a major impact to my self-esteem... but it also has given me the time to think about things without distraction......... or this giant wall in my wall... so, it's time I admitted one thing to myself... but first, some good points to my 2010...
I have acquired two good friends, if not great friends. One is a guy named Devin, the other is his now future betrothed Jessica. I'll admit to not knowing too much about Jessi, but I know enough to understand a kindred spirit when I see one. As for Devin, I've known him for longer than just this year, but in 2010 he became a true spiritual brother... quite possibly the best thing working for Walmart gave me. He's probably the only person I can be totally honest with, because I can't be that way with anyone else, whether they say they won't or that they aren't going to, they can't help to judge me. No one should judge someone else, regardless of reason. I don't get that from Devin and Jess, and that deserves my utmost respect and gratitude. And Devin says I inspire him? I actually can't understand why.....
I devoted myself to a personal cause that has all but destroyed me from the inside, and what has it all taught me? Very few people care. We truly do live in an age where no one matters. It's all about themselves. I've seen it with co-workers, customers, certain friends, and even certain family members...... so why did I want to bring caring to those I could? that's just it, I don't want to anymore... I know the people that are truly grateful, and those people deserve it, but everyone else can kiss my ass... officially, I'm giving it up... the selfish, ungrateful pieces of shit don't deserve it anymore......
All of this has taken a toll on me, and I can't bring myself to do it anymore. I can't, and I won't......
All of this time I have had after Walmart got rid of me, I've realized just how alone I was... granted, I'm able to go see my friends a little easier now that I have a car again, but that's not the kind of alone I mean...... I'm tired of beating the dead horse... I want someone I can love... I want that other equal half... and this person needs to be able to show some kindness... equality... I'm just saying......
But the problem with that seems to be... me...... whether it be something physical, my personality, my luck with picking the wrong ones, or just my luck in general... it's me...
So that is my New Year's Revolution... I'm going to force myself to change... now, don't misunderstand that and think that means I'm doing this for someone else... I'm doing this for me...... I intend on losing some weight this year, maybe pretty soon... and I'm going to do everything I can to get the last pieces of me back emotionally and mentally that I've been missing...... it might be a little difficult, but I hope I can do it...... and I really hope it might make a certain "best friend"(she should know who she is) change her mind about me... she said she's changed... if she can, I can...
I know that it's the human condition for wishing/hoping/dreaming for something you might think is impossible... but the only truly beautiful thing is attaining that unattainable thing......
And I'm tired of being alone... I might need some help with that, but 2011 WILL BE the year I change it... that I change...
And as for blogging, I will be doing more FTW posts this year, starting with a new one next week(they seem to be favorites of the readers of my old sites)...
Wish me luck... and I wish you all good luck in any endeavor you start on for 2011...
I hope I can pull this off......
Happy New Year my friends
No comments:
Post a Comment