The Holidaze

The Holidaze... I can't stand this time of year... scratch that, I HATE this time of year... Every holiday? No... just the two we are about to go through.

Let me elaborate... after the jump...

I'm a huge fan of Halloween, the decorations, the people wanting to scare the hell out of children that deserve it(not all deserve it, you know the ones I mean)... and I'm okay with toilet papering certain places...... now THAT is a holiday...

Thanksgiving... HELLS YEAH... the food... the family... not a fan of turkey, but give me a bowl of banana pudding and some football, and I'm content...

But Christmas... FTS... Fuck That Shit... I've hated Christmas for quite some time now, it's festive and fun and all of those classic movies and Christmas specials and shopping with fucking retards and all of the 'buy me' commercials and the Christmas lights and the Christmas tree and Christmas songs and more festive and fun... and...... arrrrgh... it depresses me...... all of these people and media show nothing but happy or happy in the end... and it depresses the hell out of me... I just can't seem to get into the holiday spirit, and I'm not sure I ever will again... I try, and I've actually gotten good at hiding it all year, but that can be extra painful during this time of year......
 
And then there is New Year's, where everyone is either at a party having fun, or at home doing the same... and most of them have that special someone or that one drunk person near them waiting for the ball to drop at midnight, and get a New Year's kiss to symbolize good luck for the following year... that must be why I have such bad luck... although, I did get lucky enough to have that just 3 years ago with a best friend that I love very much... it was a moment that I wish I could relive...... but then again, it led to quite possibly the worst year I've had since I was with Arley... I spent most of the year lying to myself that I finally got what I longed for, only for me being so naive when it felt like my heart got ripped from chest...

WAIT... Stop right there......

I acknowledge that he leaving the state was the moment I lost what was left of me... but I also will acknowledge that I think it was my fault for letting it happen...... I finally got what I was wishing for, and I didn't know what to do with it... it's the same thing as buying a fish for a pet and putting a leash on it to take it for a walk...... so, yes, I blame myself for it... but it doesn't change the actions and the outcome.........

WAIT ONE MORE TIME...

While it still does effect me in trusting people, I need to let this go... just as I've finally let go of the mental grip Arley had on me... they say you should forgive and forget...... I know my mind, I ain't gonna forget... not going to happen........ but I can forgive... everyone involved...... and apologize to myself for being so stupid......... I doubt there will ever be a next time... and that is my own doing...... those that know what all I'm talking about, great, those that don't... ask me... if don't ask me, then you don't need to know......

Back to problem at hand, sorry about the detour......

Christmas and New Year's is a yearly hell for me in many ways than one, and most of them stem from jealousy... I see all these happy people being able to share this time of year with their significant other... and I'm jealous... I want to have that...... Halloween is mainly for the kids and freaks(card holder), Thanksgiving is for family... but Christmas and New Year's are designed for "loved" ones... yes, Christmas is for family too and New Year's can be for friends, but both them are exponentially better when share them with the significant other...... and I'm not sure if I'm going to luck enough to experience that ever again......

And that last line is the reason I'm so damn depressed during this time of year...... I'm struggling with holding on... I don't want to give up... but it's been so hard... if any of you understand what I mean, I feel for you, but for the ones who can sit there and say that you don't see what the problem is... F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.... or for those that say I should stop looking so hard, some one will find me...... ha haa ha ha haaaa... this is me we're talking about here...

Anyway, again, I'm making my Christmas/New Year's wish... I want someone too...... if it was a perfect world, it would be a real chance with that certain friend...... but this isn't nor will ever be a perfect world... so...... I guess what I'm saying is I want someone... period...

Until then, this cycle of hatred for the holidaze will continue... and I wish that it wouldn't......

Only thing I can do is what I do every year...

Keep wishing on hope...

I promise the next post will be happier... and I still have a review to write on Despicable Me... and I'm going to have a first... and my inaugural blogspot Anatomy post, it's not going to be a country song... no no... Disturbed lol

Anyway, thank you for your time... I gotta get some sleep...

To My Realm, I will see you later on...


P.S. Since I've deemed it my own fault... I think it's time to drop it... thinking about it combined with wanting to be with her again completely isn't worth the extra pain...... so I'll just stick with part of it lol

P.P.S. For those who would think or say that I should just give up and forget about her...... I can't forget about her... Lord knows I've tried... but I can't... she is a part of me... I..just..simply..can't......... sad isn't it?... welcome to my world...