If you haven't read Part 1 and/or Part 2 yet... do so now... Part 1 Part 2
Jump with me... This one might not be as long... but I'm not sure...
I've put alot of thought into this one...... and this one might be one of the most important personal posts I've EVER posted...... EVER...... but here goes...
I've been doing everything I can to find me a good woman... one to spend a day/week/month/year/the rest of my life with...... and it should be easy to find at least someone who is willing to give me a chance......... so what is the problem?...... well......
I think it might be "J"
No, I don't think she would sabotage anything...... no no... that's not the problem......
I would give anything to be with her... I know I love her...... I care about her... and in a perfect world, she would be mine... she would be right here next to me on this couch watching this movie with me, knowing that later on tonight, she would be in my arms while we drift off to dream... only to wake up to start anew... wishing that each day will bring us closer to another tomorrow............
Isn't that what everyone wants? To grow old with someone, being able to share their life with someone? That's an issue with most couples today...... most guys, all that want is a constant booty call... most girls, all they want is someone who will buy them anything and everything, to spoil them...... both of those feelings are stupid and useless......... do I want some good ass? you better believe I do... I'm a guy... it's nature........... but it's not as important as a woman with a mind, with a good heart... because you guys reading this, you want a good piece of ass, you can pay for that, but if you want an amazing piece, it only comes from a girl that has a good heart, a great personality, and is willing to accept you for who you are...... trust me... I've had that once or twice before......... it doesn't always work out, but guys...... seriously... stop chasing skirts, and starting looking for hearts............ and you girls who are just worried about material things coming from your guy...... quit it... you're supposed to be interested in your guy, not what your guy can do for you..................
That's my point....... I want to be able to find my love in a girl that can give that to me...... I need to be accepted...... I need to be loved......
What about me? What about a relationship? I want physical affection...... just telling me you love me... what is that? I need to be reminded...... I don't want to be forgotten... I don't need to be a ghost...... I went through 5 years of that with R... I'm not going to do it again......... I need someone who is willing to give me some time...... I need to make some new memories to get me through...... my ultimate goal... I want to get married some day...... THAT means some day down the road...... if I find me a girl, and she wants to get married with the year, that's too soon...... how can you be sure if that person is the one you want for the rest of your life, if you can't make it a year?
I'm an easy going guy... somewhat shy unless I know you... and I'm afraid to talk about myself in person... mainly because of all the rejections and bad roads I've been down, I'm used to feeling like the person across the table doesn't give a shit about me...... fuck that feeling...... I'm a gamer... I'm a softhearted hopeless romantic who can cry during a sappy movie...... I'm a cinephile... for those not playing the home game, that's a movie freak........... and I'm just a normal guy...... I'm a normal emo/redneck/techie/comedian/nerd/semi-jock/regular guy...................... so what seems to be the problem with you girls out there?............. well.... I seem to know what the problem with me is.........
Like I said, the problem with me is "J"...... I love her... I long to be with her, in every way......... she's been my friend for almost 20 years, I reserve the right to feel that way......... so what's the problem?......
Of all the things that have happened with her, none of them bother me......... it is this one thing......... she says she doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about her......... I think she's lying...... yeah, you heard me... and I know she'll get mad about that... BUT I do have the right to defend myself... and if I'm wrong... then I'm wrong, and I will admit it............... so finish reading this......
"I don't feel the same way as you do"...... I don't believe it...... I believe she's afraid...... she's told me about the things that have happened to her relationship-wise in her past(they rival me), and I won't say a word...... but I'm not them........... I think she's afraid that I'll turn out to be like them... or maybe not... maybe she's afraid of something happening that will ruin our friendship...... she doesn't want to lose me as a friend...................
Well... that's where I am at...... I've thought long and hard about this...... and I'm considering not being her friend anymore anyway...... I'm not doing this to hurt anyone...... actually quite the opposite...... I don't think I'm going to have any chance of moving on unless I do something about this...... and I also didn't say I was going to do it...... I'm still not sure where I'm at on it...... I don't want to... because I love her, and she is still one of my best friends in this crazy ass world......... BUT.....
But I can't keep on wondering what might've been...... if I could find me a nice girl, then I don't think it would as much of an issue, if one at all...... but it's almost like fate is telling me I should............... think about what could be is no way for someone to live, especially when that person isn't really helping out......
Am I wrong about it? Is she telling me the truth? If that's the case... then I'm sorry...... but this is where this is all leading me.........
I need to ask "J" an extremely important set of questions... and since I'm here already... I'll do it now...... she doesn't have to answer here......
-Who walked across Columbus in a storm with a waterproof bag just to see you?(and I would do it again)
-Who was the one who came over to visit, just to visit, regardless of if he had the gas to make it home?(I'd walk again)
-Who was the one who has never asked anything in return every time he's helped you out?(and I never will)
-Who is the one who lugs a 42" TV and PS3 up to your apartment just so you can see a movie?(I take it to Larry's too, but he doesn't live that far from the ground)
-Who is the one that took you to see your Mom just because you wanted to go see her?(I like your family... it was fun)
-Who shared a moment with you in Greenwood just because I could?(she knows what I mean)(too bad I don't think my car can make it right now)
-Who took you out to see the greatest Christmas lights just so you could see them?(remember the big Doctor's house with the reflection in the pond?)(and you told me it made you feel special)
-Who took you to Mill Race Park just so we could swing on the swings in the snow?(I'll NEVER forget that)
-Who bought you a copy of Twilight even though I thought it would burn my hands?(I think I still have scarring though)
-Who agreed to sit through a Twilight marathon with you when it gets finished?(I'd do it just to be able to spend that kind of time with you)
-Who took you to Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom multiple times even though he knew he was too big to fit on most of the rides?(was still fun)
-Who is terribly afraid of heights but agreed to ride the Ferris Wheel at Kentucky Kingdom with you, even though you were more scared to during the ride?(and who held your hands the whole time to show you that you were safe?)
-Who got in trouble at work when he called in just to spend New Year's Eve with you?(I'd do it again... screw Wal-Mart)
-Who do you know that would bend over backwards to do anything in his power to help you?(you know it, and I've shown it)
They might not be big things... but isn't it always said that's it's not the big things, it's the little things? well, I've only listed a few, but there are enough to make many, many big things out of.......
Do any of those seem sappy or pathetic to you? well, some of those are memories I cherish, and I cherish them more because she is in them......... which leads me to my biggest question for J...... but not just J, but for everyone........
-What would hurt more? Losing a friend because your love and relationship turned sour or losing a friend because you never gave your love a chance?
Don't kick me for giving an ultimatum... that's NOT what I'm doing...... I'm placing my heart at the mercy of you... all of you...... this is what this series has led me to...... I want J to know the pain it's caused me... but I also want her to understand where I'm at......
I don't want to lie... I don't want to hide... I don't want to just swallow it up and move on, because I don't think I can anymore......... and it's gotten to the point where I have a choice to make...
Do I wait for an eternity for her to finally admit to me she loves me?
Do I keep trying to get her to step up?
Do I try and move forward, breaking down that wall?
Do I give up on love completely?
Or
Do I throw our friendship away to try to stop the pain?
(or more than one)
I've always been told that I've gotta look after myself before everyone else...... and that's what I'm doing...... I want love in my life...... I would give anything for it to be "J"....... but if she can't give me the chance... the proper chance......... then what am I fighting for? who am I fighting for? and is it really that issue that is keeping me from getting a different girl?
Even if I never say it to you, can you girls actually smell or sense that kind of pain? if so, that would be so cool, yet so unfair......
Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying that I'm giving up on our friendship(I would've said that to her directly)...... I'm not yet saying I'm giving up on her love(and I'm not yet)......... and I'm not saying I'm giving up on love completely(though I've thought about it)............. what I'm saying is that it's something I'm considering... something that is weighing heavily on my mind......
If you think any of this in unfair to her...... then you haven't been paying attention......... I'm not making anyone do anything......... this isn't about anyone but myself... my own mind... my own heart... my own future............
J... I know you'll read this...... and I already know what the odds are...... but I'm asking you actually think about it for once...... if other people who aren't me are telling you it a good idea, don't you think that maybe it's worth it?......... I can't promise you that our friendship can survive if our relationship doesn't, but I've seen it...... the best of friends can make the best lovers... guys that can say that his wife/girlfriend is his best friend, and actually mean it...... and I know that CAN be our case......... but it'll only work if you're not scared to try................ but I also can't promise you that we can be friends if you turn me down again............ but it's where I'm at...... I can't lie to myself... I can't lie to you about it...... you needed to know where I'm at......
And sadly, I'm at this crossroads...... I don't want to lose this best friend...... and I know we would be perfect for each other........... but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?" "what might've been?" or "what could be?"............. I'd rather spend my golden years in a rocking chair next to her telling her "I told you so"............. or the next few moments trying to move on.........
This is the single most difficult blog I've EVER done...... and I hope none of you, especially J, get the wrong idea...... it's time I make a change......... and sadly this is one of the things that I might have to change...... and the one thing I least want to............. but everyone in their lives must make a hard decision... whether it be losing a friend to save self from the pain... or swallowing pride to tell the truth... or forgiving self for doing something self shouldn't have... or cutting a path through fear so two hearts can finally meet... or maybe realizing that you have no future in anything if you keep looking back................
This may or may not be the ideal thing to do...... but it's something that I had to say......
Am I wrong for not wanting to hold it in any longer?......
I do have plans for a Part 4, but before I do, I'm crossing my fingers than hopefully I'll have good news in the near future......... I dunno...... maybe...... we will see.........
Well... I don't think I have anything else for today.........
I hope to have something more entertaining for you soon......... maybe... kinna... sorta......
I hope I didn't make anyone mad...... if I did...... that's your problem......
Well... fallout to ensue......
~The Master is Out
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